Because You Can (Gift-giving and Perspective)

I saw a comment posted on Facebook today about whether or not a parent is obligated to give an end-of-the-school-year gift to a "bad" teacher.

That got me started thinking about - shocker, I know - perspective.

While the majority of the teachers my kids have had over the years have been good, my kids have had their fair share of crappy teachers over the years, a few of whom didn’t deserve a gift other than a dog turd and/or a swift kick in the behind.  I will admit that I didn't feel any sense of obligation at all to give those teachers a gift - and sometimes I haven't given an end-of-the-year gift for other reasons, ranging from my own manic year-end schedule to not being able to think of anything I considered to be "a good gift" to caving in to pressure from my kids not to "embarrass" them by giving their teachers a gift because they thought it would seem like - to put it kindly - obsequiousness.

Obviously, though, my perspective on LOTS of things has changed over the past few years, and I’d like to offer this perspective for consideration: we may never know what battle another person is fighting.  And sometimes it may be better to fight fire (or incompetence/rudeness or whatever the issue may be) with kindness.

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Not that someone has to spend a bunch of money or time on a gift for every teacher, especially one who has been less than ideal for a child, but maybe giving a teacher just a little something and/or a card saying thanks could make a difference for her – which may, in turn, improve her outlook and have a rippling effect on others around her – her future students or even other teachers who may have some sort of interaction with the child of that parent and other kids in the future. 

When I was growing up, my mom didn't like for my sisters or me to say that we hated something or someone.  At some point, I argued that I really did hate something - but she insisted that it was better for me to say I disliked or didn't prefer it instead.  My mom, my sisters, and I still sometimes half-jokingly say that we "don't prefer" something or someone, even today as adults.  It's a good point that choosing to use words that are less harsh may be a better idea, a point that intertwines with perspective and kindness.  (Maybe a parent who hasn't liked her child's teacher could send that teacher a thank-you note ... and could just think secretly to herself that the thing she's thankful for is that the school year is over - or that the child will surely appreciate having a good teacher after her experience with one that was not preferred.)

Parallel to the bad-teacher situation is a bad-boss scenario.  I've help a few positions in my lifetime that have unfortunately been under the supervision of someone that let's just say I did not prefer.  My distaste for these people has been for a variety of different reasons, ranging from a simple personality conflict to ethical considerations (more on the latter topic is coming up in a future blog post).  In the midst of each of those situations, I have not had the perspective that I do in retrospect; I now feel an ironic sense of gratitude towards those bosses because my experience with each of them has certainly made me value an effective supervisor - and because having those experiences has served to teach me how not to do things whenever I am in a position of leadership.

I'm not advocating giving a gift to get something in return, and I'm not pretending to be overly nice or forgiving or anything like that.  I'm just seeing this as one way to react to such a situation.  From the way I see it, not giving the teacher (or the boss) a gift probably won't be noticed by that person, but taking the "high road," erring on the side of kindness, giving just because you can - that's something that can have an impact.

From Any Neighborhood

With all of the attention in the media today on the topic of bullying, it has occurred to me adults can also be guilty of this type of persecution.  

Bullying is a form of aggressive behavior, which may manifest as abusive treatment, the use of force or coercion to affect others, particularly when habitual and involving an imbalance of power.

Recently, I heard a student talking about a teacher who has on more than one occasion directly asked certain students in front of the whole class if they are "on free lunch."  I don't know this teacher personally, and so I can't speak to why she might be doing this, but regardless of the reason it is insensitive, embarrassing, and, well, a form of bullying.  

Every year on Halloween, I hear complaints about people bringing their children to neighborhoods other than where they live to trick-or-treat.  I've heard these kids called "imports" - or worse; for the most part, these are the kids from lower-income neighborhoods who are loaded up into cars and driven by adults over to higher-end neighborhoods on October 31.  It seems to me that labeling these kids is a form of bullying; who is to say that these kids are any less deserving of a fun-size candy bar or a pixie stick than the next child?  The last time I checked, there weren't any official Halloween Rules to regulate who can trick-or-treat where.

Personally, I like giving candy out to trick-or-treaters on Halloween, and, from my perspective, the children who are likely to appreciate and enjoy the candy the most are those who don't get it as often, which may be exactly the case with this group of kids.  I'm choosing to take my dad's outlook on this one:  it's far better to err on the side of kindness and generosity than on that of judgment and bullying.  I say as long as I am fortunate enough to have the resources to buy candy on Halloween to share, I will enjoy sharing it with children from any neighborhood.