Here in My Heart

The measure of every other grief

Is held to my own:

Is it longer, heavier, more powerful than mine?

I feel like I'm alone.

Those who have told me that time will heal

I know to be far off-base

I, in fact, don’t want to be healed           

For fear of having memories replaced.

It doesn’t hurt to hear his name

It doesn’t bring him or his death to mind

The thought of him already is always there for me

Aching if it seems he’s being left behind.

As much as I know part of him lives now with me,

I also know that part of me died with him, too.

I’ve lost my umbrella, and I’m not sure how else to weather the storm

Or how to walk down this road anew.

I want to call his phone and hear his voice

Leave him a message and know he’ll reply           

I want to get a scribbled note from him

I want to see the wrinkles at the corners of his eyes.

I want to hear him singing

Making up the words he doesn’t know,

To tell him something I’m dreaming about doing,

And to hear his funny expressions like "Gung-ho."

I want to know that he still sees the good stuff,

The kids happy and doing well as they grow.

His impact, his presence is with us always;

This I want to be sure he knows.

I’m not sure how to carry this pain

That cuts me like a knife.

I really just want to sit and cry,

But I have to go on with life.

I want to tell him thanks

For being my lifelong teacher and fan

And that I’m so impressed and in awe

Of how he went out like a man.

I keep remembering seeing his light

And it seemed like it was fading away

I wanted so badly to go after him

And to beg for him to stay.

But after all he has done for me

It was time for us to part

I had to let him go on ahead

But I’ll always keep him Here in my heart.