Denial - Six Months Later

There is an old Chinese proverb that says, “You cannot prevent the birds of sorrow from flying over your head, but you can prevent them from building nests in your hair.”

Denial has been a better Friend to me over the past 9 months than I ever would have believed it could be.  Yesterday marked the six-month point since Dad went on ahead.  SIX MONTHS!  That makes me sick to my stomach.  The hourglass is glued to the table and I want to throw myself to the floor and beat the ground with my fists, like a two year-old child.  Believe me, if I thought that would help anything or make me feel one iota better, I would do it!

I’ve heard the transition between this world and the next compared to the metamorphosis of a caterpillar to a butterfly.  I don’t like this metaphor, though; I prefer a tree turning into petrified wood. 

I believe my family and I did everything we knew to do to help Dad while he was sick.
I believe Dad is ok, but I’m not sure I will ever be.  I don’t even know what “ok” is anymore.
I believe that I am a different person than I was nine months ago.
I believe that in some ways I am stronger than I was before Dad got sick, but in even more ways I am much more fragile.
I believe Dad wants me to be truly happy; I'm just not sure I can make it all the way there without him.

I wonder how this is affecting my family.
I wonder how this is going to get better.
I wonder how I will remember this time and the “me” of now.
I wonder if I won’t always remember his face, his voice, his pride, and his pain and if there is a way that I can MAKE SURE that I do remember it all.
I wonder what comes next.

I see the birds circling over my head, and I am doing everything I know how to do to keep them from nesting in my hair.