Part 30 – Changes

Continued from Part 29

As we entered the second half of December, the tag-team effort continued, with one of my sisters or me staying with Mom and Dad almost every night so that Mom would have back-up support during the night and for as much during other times of the day as we could arrange.  One thing that I’m not sure I have explained clearly in this blog is the amount of one-on-one assistance and supervision that was required during the time that Dad was sick.  Physically, he needed help for everything, unless he was sitting in a chair or lying on the bed, and even then he wanted/needed to have things handed to him or arranged around him for safety and convenience.  One example of this that we learned through trial and error was how to position food and/or drinks so that spills, which were so embarrassing and frustrating to Dad, were less likely to occur.  Since he still had impaired sensation and strength on the left side of his body as well as visual-perceptual issues (he often didn’t notice things in the left side of his visual field), we had to place his provisions on the right.  Drinks were served in non-breakable, lidded cups, and food was given to him on a non-breakable plate or in a plastic bowl.  Dad didn’t seem to notice that we had rearranged the furniture so that the table that was previously on the left side of his recliner was now on the right side, and he didn’t say anything about how things were served or handed to him, which brings me to my next point … 

For as many changes as there were in Dad physically, there were even more changes in him mentally.  Like I've written about (here  and here), brain cancer is distinct; it's different from other types of cancers because it most often immediately affects one’s cognitive abilities, which alters the way information is received, processed, expressed, and/or retained.  And that, of course, influences very important things such as the person’s ability to fully understand the diagnosis, the prognosis, and treatment options, and this was absolutely true for Dad.

It also meant that Dad needed supervision 24 hours per day, something I’ve heard said in reference to plans of care for others who are very ill but with a different meaning in practice.  In the vast majority of other situations when around-the-clock caretaking is called for, there is one blaring difference as opposed to our experience:  the person who is ill sleeps - sometimes just at night, sometimes in a cyclical pattern for a few hours at a time, and sometimes even more than usual with lots of naps during the day after a decent night’s sleep - and understands that he/she should not get up and try to do things beyond their physical capabilities.  That was not the case with my dad.  Not only did he not sleep much, but it was not safe to leave the room or even to get in a short catnap oneself unless someone else was watching over him.  He did not remember or realize that he couldn’t do the same things in the same way that he used to do, and he did not have the foresight or the patience to ask for help or to wait unless someone was right there with him to remind or cue him.  Many times one of us would turn around to do something or go one room away for a minute only to find Dad trying to get up or, worse, already up either with or without his walker, a risk we were not willing to take.  We felt it was our job to guard over him and to ward off whatever danger we could, and this included protecting him from himself. 

As far as I could tell, Dad liked having my sisters and/or me there with him while he was sick, but he was very dependent on Mom; he wanted her to be right with him at all times and often got upset or anxious when she wasn’t able to be there.  In a statement that tore out hearts out, he said that he thought that he might not be around much longer and that he didn't like it when she left because he was afraid he wouldn't be able to tell her goodbye if something happened.  When he said things like that, it seemed like he did have a grasp on what was happening, but then he would say something about going to work the next day that brought the questions about his comprehension and memory back into play.  

The changes that we DIDN’T see in Dad were the ones we had been assured would happen soon after the Avastin had been administered, but, besides the beginnings of improvements in sensation on some parts of his left arm, we were seeing ZERO of the good changes from the much-touted Magic Bullet.  

The third week in December was set to be a busy one for my family:  Dad had an MRI scheduled for that Tuesday and also wanted to go to a Healing Service at a church near my parents’ house that night.  Round Three of chemo/Avastin was scheduled on that Wednesday.  We had written these things down on the Dry Erase board along with notes about which of us would be there on which days and the therapy schedule, but it didn’t seem to help much at all.  Time and details were not sticking in Dad’s short-term memory, yet I think he knew these things were important and so he frequently asked about what was on the agenda for the week, the day, and even the next hour.  The questioning, the confusion, the anxiety, and the support that Dad needed were all just part of the whirlwind of activity that was going on around the clock at my parents’ house during this time.  

I was hanging onto to Hope and whatever else I could for the time being, but I couldn't help but feel that we were in the middle of the storm before the storm.  As one of my sisters said in an email about our situation at this point:  “If Dad could think/process/remember the way other non-brain cancer people can, we could talk to him more about his Bucket List and how long to continue treatment and all those other so important things.  I've been reading too many library books about terminal cancer and living life to the fullest, etc, etc.  I hate to think that Dad knows -- somehow subconsciously or something -- more than we do.  The MRI coming up is so freaking scary.”

Up Next ... Part 31 - Battling