Kindness and a "Beef"

I can't remember when I first started hearing about "random acts of kindness," but it was many years ago.  As the story goes, a woman named Anne Herbert is said to have written the words "Practice random acts of kindness and senseless acts of beauty" on a placemat in a restaurant back in 1982, which reportedly started the movement as her words were seen by a fellow diner and then began to be shared, the momentum of which eventually gave rise to a book called Random Acts of Kindness, which was published in 1993.  The book quickly became an international bestseller and has inspired many conversations as well as the writing of numerous articles, posts on social media, and other books, all based on the simple concept of demonstrating kindness to strangers.  

The original book gives examples of random acts of kindness and provides many quotes about kindness, all of which are generally inspiring, thought-provoking, and uplifting.

It's impossible, I think, to imagine that there is a person alive who wouldn't agree that the concept of performing acts of kindness as the book describes is anything other than a good thing to do.  However, after years of hearing people talk about the random acts of kindness they have done, I have a beef about the way this idea is often being put into practice.

I think it stems from the fact that I work with a group of behavior specialists who talk a lot about the fact that every behavior has a motivator; in other words, everything a person does is done because he is motivated by something to do it.  Of course, that motivation - the dangling carrot, if you will - varies from person to person and from situation to situation.  Sometimes it's money, sometimes it's power, sometimes it's recognition, sometimes it's just plain fun, but the reason people do things is that they hope to get something they want in return.  

In my estimation, what Anne Herbert meant when she scribbled those words on that placemat was that she believed in altruism; she believed that people in general could be motivated just by the idea that they could influence the well-being of others and that knowing that would generate a desire to reach out in some way to do something kind.  I think she intended for people who carried out random acts of kindness to be satisfied just by feeling like they'd done something good for someone else.

Martin Luther King talked about the concept of selfless love and said that people should "create redemptive goodwill toward all men ... an overflowing love which seeks nothing in return." 

Of course I agree; of course I recognize that the world would be a better place if we all practiced more kindness.  My concern comes from the way that I've witnessed random acts of kindness being put into practice, with the person or persons performing the kind act telling others about what they have done. 

In my opinion, talking about the fact that one did a good deed turns that act into something of a boast; telling others about the kindness starts to seem more like an opportunity to proclaim one's own goodness and, from the way I see it, the generosity of the act is tainted by such a declaration.

I understand the intended chain reaction, the rippling effect that can come from hearing about a way that someone has helped someone else. I have often said that peer pressure can sometimes be a good thing, and I can see how one could be inspired or could even just glean an idea for a way to try to help another person from hearing about someone else's act of kindness. 

But I think that what the originator of this concept actually meant to inspire is not only the performance of random acts of kindness but also anonymous ones. I think a true act of kindness or generosity bears no witness and has no strings attached.  I think that if any information is to be given out about the exchange of kindness after a random act from a stranger it should actually come from the recipient, not from the giver.  That, to me, preserves the purity of the altruism; that makes an act of kindness what it is really supposed to be: a deed of benevolence that sets up an opportunity for the spread of more of the same, which protects the basis of the original idea and extends the hope that all of mankind may someday, somehow be touched and inspired by kindness, just for the sake of being kind.

So here's the challenge of the second Exercise in Perspective that I want to share:  Do something kind for someone else and don't tell anyone about it.  Don't do it because you think you should and don't expect anything at all in return - not recognition, not thanks, not good karma, not gratitude.  Just enjoy the feeling it gives you - that's really more than enough reward.

Just in case you need help or inspiration to think of an idea for a Random (and Anonmyous) Act of Kindness, here is a link to the Random Acts of Kindness Foundation:

                                        CLICK HERE TO ACCESS THE LINK.

Exercises in Perspective

I talk a lot about perspective, but I think about it even more often.  It's one of the few things that keeps me from coming apart at the seams during the Mad Tea Party of life.  

I like to read about things that give me perspective and about the impact that different people and experiences have had on others.  One thing I have realized in thinking about the legacy that my dad left behind is that little things can make a big difference - little things we say, little things we do, and even little things we think.  Each of these can serve to shape each of us into a person with a bigger heart, a better outlook, and a broader perspective.  As Mother Teresa once said, "None of us, including me, ever do great things.  But we can all do small things, with great love, and together we can do something wonderful."

In keeping with that theme, I have decided to compile of list of things that can bring perspective and post those ideas periodically as challenges to myself and to others.  Some will be fun, some will be thought-provoking, some will be service oriented or otherwise actionable.  All will be targeted at contributing to the perspective of anyone who participates.

Here's the first one:

Let someone know the impact he or she has had on your life.

This idea came to me from a message that I got from a person who knew my dad many years ago.  The person had heard that my dad was sick but didn't know that he had died. In reading some of the entries in this blog, he recognized himself as one of the guys in the story that I told here:

The Spirit - Not The Spirit of Competition

When he read that story, he said, "I tell the story of that race in Mississippi all the time to people. I learned a life lesson that day. A great story was told through his life. I can recall all those runs and races and his smile that seemed too broad for his little body."

When I told him that Dad had gone on ahead, he expressed sadness and regret that he had not been able to tell my dad how he had been impacted by him.  He said, "I wanted to tell him how his life story connected to mine. He was largely responsible for my love of running and in many ways responsible for my future."

Thinking about his words and the words he said he wished he had told my dad made he think about the fact that there are many people in my life to whom I haven't reached out in some way over the years to let them know how they influenced me. 

What he said made me realize that end-of-life regrets are not only for people who are nearing the end but also for those left behind who haven't delivered a message that we wish we had.  

In doing this first Exercise in Perspective, you may choose to communicate with a person from your past or from your present, someone younger or older, someone who served as a mentor or a teacher to you or just a person who caused you to think or act differently than you might have otherwise.  Your message can be delivered in writing or verbally, and it can even be as basic as something like, "Thank you; knowing you has helped make me the person I am today."  The only criterion to this challenge is that you reach out to a person who has left a mark on you in some way, and the point is this: don't wait.  Do it now; the person to whom you deliver your message will be glad, and so will you.