How to Help

One of my nieces is known in our family for her love of candy.  We laugh when we think back to the year when she was two and whenever anyone asked her what she wanted for Christmas she simply said, "Candy."  No amount of prompting or urging could convince her to expand her Wish List that year; over and over, she insisted in her well-articulated, tiny voice that all she wanted was candy.  She was as clear as I'd ever seen a person be about what she thought would make her happy that holiday season, and she savored every bit of candy that she got as a gift.

I saw a little girl eating a big sucker today and thought about my niece and her quest for candy, which, thankfully for her parents' dental bills, has tapered off over the past decade or so.  I thought about just how incredibly happy a kid can be with something as simple as a single piece of candy.  Hell, I thought, sometimes a piece of candy makes me happy, too, especially if it comes in the form of a gift from someone.  

I like to give gifts to people, and I put a good bit of effort into trying to think of a gift that is special for each recipient.  One of the things that I think is the most fun to give is a gift for a new baby.  A thought that strikes me, though, every time I am giving a baby gift is that it's kind of ironic that giving such a gift to the new parents generates work for them, based on social obligations: after they receive the gift, they expect and/or are generally expected to write a thank-you note, which, as anyone who has ever been a new parent knows, is one of the many things for which they really don't have time at that stage of their lives.

Many times when I've been wrapping the baby gift I've considered including a note with the gift to tell the new parents that they are off the hook for writing a follow-up thank-you note, which perhaps they would appreciate as kind of a "cherry on top" type of bonus to the actual gift.  That way, receiving the gift does not create an additional duty for the probably already overworked parents.  

When someone has cancer or another serious illness, people are often eager to do something to help out.  Having been on both the receiving end of that equation as well as the "What can I do to help?" end, there are a few things that I have learned about supporting individuals in need, the most important of which is probably this:  Don't just ask the person or the family if they need anything; ask them what they need.  

Admitting that help is needed can be really hard, and so it's best not to wait for them to ask for assistance.  Assume that they need help - and ask what kind they need.  In some cases, it may even be a good idea to think of specific things to offer, like doing their laundry or their grocery shopping, providing meals, babysitting, pet sitting, etc.  One friend of mine paid for a house cleaning service to go to the home of someone she knew while that person was in the hospital; another one sent her husband over to that house to cut the grass - one less thing for that family to worry about.  There are lots of things that can be done to take stress off the family and to allow them more time to do whatever needs to be done to care for the person who is ill - or just to spend time together instead of running errands or cooking.  If the person who is sick and/or the family say they don't need anything, I recommend respecting their wishes but checking back often to see if that changes.  Sometimes people are too proud to ask or they can't think of anything at that time - but situations can change in an instant and the need for help can arise overnight.  Sometimes it's good to establish contact with a member of the extended family - or a close friend or neighbor - and let them know you are willing to help.  One of my parents' neighbors saw me pulling out of the driveway of their house early one morning when my dad was sick and flagged me down to exchange cell phone numbers with me.  Later, after Dad had been taken to the hospital by ambulance in the early hours one morning, that neighbor texted me to say she had heard the sirens and would be happy to walk my mom's dogs or whatever else we needed.  

Another thing that can be good to do is just to let the person or the family know that they are being thought of, especially if whatever you do to convey that message comes with no strings attached, like the "No Thank-you Note Policy" for the baby gift.  There are many different ways to go about doing this, ranging from texting or mailing a note to that effect (adding "no response required" if appropriate) to sending an anonymous gift or card.  

Or here's another idea (and this brings the topic back around to ... CANDY!):  Sugarwish!

As their banner says, the webiste www.sugarwish.com offers an easy way to send a "sweet" thought by allowing the customer to purchase a gift card (actually an e-card) that will be sent to a recipient who then uses that to select their favorite candies from the choices on the website.  Once they've made their selection, the candy is shipped to their house.  And here's the potential bonus: it can be done anonymously, which will eliminate the thank-you note obligation on the part of the recipient.

SWEET!

When my dad was sick, I came across a website with a program similar to the concept behind Sugarwish; the idea, shared by cancer patient Jerry Kline in his blog, was that a pager (also known as a beeper) could be purchased and given to the person who is sick, with the phone number given out to any interested parties so that anytime someone prays for or thinks about the sick person they can call the number of the pager and enter "777" or their zip code followed by the "#" key to indicate their intent to that person, without requiring any response on his/her part.  I found the concept of the Prayer Pager to be brilliant; it allows people to send a message to let the person who is sick know they are being thought of, at any time of the day or night.  The pager can be turned off if the person wishes not to be disturbed during a certain time, and a page does not obligate the person to do anything in return.    


After reading what Jerry had to say about the program, I contacted the program administrator and asked if I could sign up for my dad.  Unfortunately, though, the program had run out of funding and was no longer being offered.

Since then, though, I have come across a website that offers something similar to the program Jerry used; it's called Pager Prayer.

I guess the point of all this is that there are things that can be done to help an individual who is sick and/or his or her family and that sometimes even the little things can be helpful and meaningful in such a situation.

Part 23 – Waiting For The Magic

Continued from Part 22

If I had to characterize my paternal grandmother in just a few words, I would describe her as tough and fiercely independent.  Apparently, nobody gave her the memo about what the hospice nurse had said on the day after Thanksgiving, and she showcased her tenacity yet again over the weekend by starting to improve in her condition.  By the middle of the following week, she was eating, drinking, and occasionally even giving one-word answers or nodding to respond to yes or no questions she was asked.  So much for the prediction; evidently, they cannot call all of them, and we were grateful that Grandmom was able to get back into her routine at the nursing home.

As the weekend came to a close, those of us from out-of-town left in waves, until just my youngest sister N and my brother and his wife and children were left.  N had to work on Monday, and so my brother volunteered to accompany Mom and Dad to the oncologist’s office that day.  In what was surely a complete surprise to everyone in the family (heh!), I had written out a list of questions and requests to be addressed by the doctor and his staff at the appointment, especially since Dad continued to have a very sore throat and had now developed a hoarse voice and a cough in addition to the headache and fatigue that had been plaguing him.  On my list:  I felt that we needed to have a Case Manager onboard, someone to coordinate between the staff at the Brain Tumor Clinic at Duke and our local oncologist’s office.  I wanted to be sure that none of the recommendations of the Duke doctors was overlooked, including tapering the steroids, scheduling the next round of chemo/Avastin exactly two weeks from the initial dose, and scheduling an MRI one month after the Duke protocol had been started.  I wanted to be sure the payment "issue" had been resolved with regards to the Avastin (it had).  My brother took notes to the side of my list in the Notebook, Dad was given a fresh rotation of prescriptions, and the next round of appointments was set up.  

Part of the rules for during the time that Dad was taking the chemo pill was that he could not drink any alcohol for those five days per month.  In addition, the doctors at Duke had specified that he was only allowed to drink one beer per day on the other days because his liver would already be working overtime filtering out the chemo that was left in his system.  Dad, however, wanted his Foster’s.  He wanted candy too, “just a little piece of chocolate,” as he requested multiple times per day.  The candy we were fairly free with, especially considering that the scale at the oncologist’s office showed that he had lost weight since he’d left rehab, which was a common side effect of the chemo.  We had to come up with an alternate plan for the beer, though.  Dad sometimes seemed to understand why he wasn’t supposed to have it; other times he got angry about it.  At times, he forgot that he’d already had his “one for the day,” and he insisted that we get him another one.  Other times, he looked at us innocently and said, “What’s it going to hurt to have just a couple of beers?” which was a point I found it really hard to argue with.

But we didn’t want to do anything to jeopardize the magic that we were waiting for, the improvements that we had been promised were just around the corner for Dad at Duke and at the appointment with the oncologist this week.  And so … we faked him out improvised … we stocked the fridge with Non-alcoholic beer.  Dad loved feeling like he was in cahoots with one of us when whoever was playing the good guy that day told him we were sneaking him a second one for the day; he savored each sip of the amber-colored Dream in a Plastic Cup (he spilled things so often due to the poor sensation in his dominant hand that we didn’t dare give him a whole can or – even worse – a bottle to drink from!).  Despite the headache and the rest of it, he was pretty happy, and we were happy knowing that he was pretty happy as the waiting for the Magic continued.   

Up Next ... Part 24 - Things That Go “Hello?” In The Night

From Any Neighborhood

With all of the attention in the media today on the topic of bullying, it has occurred to me adults can also be guilty of this type of persecution.  

Bullying is a form of aggressive behavior, which may manifest as abusive treatment, the use of force or coercion to affect others, particularly when habitual and involving an imbalance of power.

Recently, I heard a student talking about a teacher who has on more than one occasion directly asked certain students in front of the whole class if they are "on free lunch."  I don't know this teacher personally, and so I can't speak to why she might be doing this, but regardless of the reason it is insensitive, embarrassing, and, well, a form of bullying.  

Every year on Halloween, I hear complaints about people bringing their children to neighborhoods other than where they live to trick-or-treat.  I've heard these kids called "imports" - or worse; for the most part, these are the kids from lower-income neighborhoods who are loaded up into cars and driven by adults over to higher-end neighborhoods on October 31.  It seems to me that labeling these kids is a form of bullying; who is to say that these kids are any less deserving of a fun-size candy bar or a pixie stick than the next child?  The last time I checked, there weren't any official Halloween Rules to regulate who can trick-or-treat where.

Personally, I like giving candy out to trick-or-treaters on Halloween, and, from my perspective, the children who are likely to appreciate and enjoy the candy the most are those who don't get it as often, which may be exactly the case with this group of kids.  I'm choosing to take my dad's outlook on this one:  it's far better to err on the side of kindness and generosity than on that of judgment and bullying.  I say as long as I am fortunate enough to have the resources to buy candy on Halloween to share, I will enjoy sharing it with children from any neighborhood.