Finding My Way

Four years ago today, I was presenting - for the first time in my career - at a national conference.  I had spent the first part of the week with my family at my sister’s family’s house in California and had flown from there to Minneapolis to go to the conference.  My husband and my daughters had taken a flight from L.A. back home where I planned to meet them in a few days after the conference had ended.

Things were humming along.  I actually remember walking out the door of my house to leave on the trip to go to L.A.; I wouldn’t normally remember something like that from years ago, but there were two things that have made that memory stick in my head.  I remember feeling a little more jittery than I typically do when I leave to go out of town, because this time I was traveling in a triangular pattern, first for pleasure and then for business, and I was nervous that I was forgetting something that I would need on the trip.  The second reason that I still remember leaving my house that day four years ago is that I got a concerning text message from my dad just as I was getting into the car to go to the airport.  As it turned out, that was the last text that I ever got from him - but that's not why I thought the text was important at the time I received my dad's message.

When I heard the ding on my phone indicating that I’d gotten a text, I grabbed my cell phone out of my purse so I could read the message as my husband drove to the airport.  “Met with grandmom’s dr to sign hospice papers.  Hope the girls take news ok,” Dad had typed in his typical shorthand form of texting.   As usual, I was able to read between the lines to understand what he meant despite the somewhat cryptic qualities of his message: At the age of 90, my grandmother (his mother) had been very ill for over two years. My parents had just met with her doctor to discuss her plan of care because of health problems she had been experiencing.  She had been moved into a nursing home a couple of years before due to significant cognitive decline, and at that point she had severe swallowing problems and progressing overall physical weakness.  In the meeting, I found out later, my parents had been told that her condition was continuing to worsen and that she likely only had a few weeks left to live.  My dad, acting as her representative for medical power of attorney, agreed that adding hospice services to supplement the care she was getting in the skilled nursing facility was in her best interest.  As his message conveyed, he was concerned about how my daughters and the other grandchildren would take the news of Grandmom's worsening condition.

Although I could tell what he meant by what he had written, what I realized I didn’t know as I processed the news was how he felt.  Like his mother, my dad was never very touchy-feely; there were many occasions in my life that I witnessed him keeping a stiff upper lip so as not to show his emotions and several other times when it seemed like he was just more of the mindset of “Let’s get this over with” than “Let’s think it over and share how we feel about it.”  As he liked to say: “It is what it is … because what else would it be?”  But on this day, as my husband drove down the interstate, I felt like I needed to somehow acknowledge the emotions I thought it was safe to guess that he was experiencing, and so I texted back, “You are a good son.  Your mom knows that you love her, and you are doing all the right things to care for her.”  I don’t know why I chose those words or even why I decided to say something that sentimental to him at that time; it isn’t usually how we communicated, and that’s why that moment sticks in my head.  Well, that, and the fact that, as I realized later, in what seemed like such an ordinary instant when I walked out of my house and closed the door behind me that day, I was stepping into a life so different from the way I had known it to be.

When I was about ten years old, my dad entered me into one of the first road races I had entered as a runner, and, for reasons that escape me now, it was one of the few times in my running career that I ran in a road race in which he didn’t also run. 

Like many of the races I participated in during my childhood, this one took place in a small town in Mississippi.  In my mind, the scene at the starting line that day blurs into the hundreds of other scenes like it, but what happened over the next hour stands out as a memory all of its own.  In this race, to my surprise, I found myself in a small group of runners that had broken away from the rest of the field about at the first mile marker.  Or, I should say, about at the point where I thought the first mile marker should have been.  For the first seven or eight minutes of the race, there was silence amongst the four other runners and me except for the sound of our breathing as we ran.  Gradually, each of us realized that we had probably covered a distance of more than a mile, and one of the other runners asked if the rest of us were sure that we were going the right way.  None of us were; we had counted on being able to follow signs or directions given by volunteers along the way so that we would know when we had passed each of the mile marks and where to turn on the course.  As we found out later, though, we'd passed by the first turn faster than the race director had expected, and so there was nothing/no one there to tell us to make the turn and we had continued to run straight down the street.  By the time we realized that we were probably off the course, we were well over a mile past that place where we should have changed direction.  We kept running and eventually saw an old man watering his front lawn, at which point we slowed to a jog and one of the other runners shouted to him, “How do we get back to the community center?” which is where the race finished.  The man looked at us like we were crazy and then pointed back over his shoulder in almost the opposite direction from the way we were running.  For some reason, the five of us still didn’t stop running; without speaking, we all hung a right at the next street corner to head in the direction the man had indicated, and eventually we found our way to the finish line.

Since October 23, 2010, the day when the cancer in my dad’s brain was discovered, in many ways I have felt like I did out there on the course in that race so many years ago: lost, confused, exhausted, and in a state of disbelief as to how the whole thing even happened.  But, also like my experience in that race, I am comforted by the fact that I am not having to cover the distance by myself, and somehow that gives me the strength I need to continue along the course.

And that, I guess, is one way that I have changed, in increments over the past few years: I have come to see and to believe that it is human tendency to adjust despite pain and loss – and that resilience is born of character and nurtured by love and connection.

Juxtaposition

It was a cold morning, and I was alone in the car when the call came the first time.  It was my mom calling, telling me that I needed to come as quickly as possible because my dad’s condition was getting worse.

It was on another cold morning just over two years later when the call came the second time, and I was alone in the kitchen of my house when I answered the phone and heard that I needed to come.  But this time it was my brother-in-law David, calling to tell me that my sister Nancy was in labor, news that I was so happy and excited to hear.

Looking back to the time just before the first call, I was expecting the call to come at some point, although on some level I believed that there could be another outcome, better news coming instead or at least the bad news being delayed for a long time.  The second time, though, I knew the call was coming soon, and I had been eagerly awaiting hearing the words at the other end of the line.  We would be gaining a new member of the family this time.

Both times when the calls came, I dropped what I was doing and frantically packed a suitcase.  Both times, as I backed out of the driveway, I promised to my husband that I would keep him posted about what was going on after I’d gotten there.  Both times as soon as I'd gotten on the road, I called my sister Jennifer to talk to her about her plans for travel from where she was in California, and then I drove in silence while so many thoughts and emotions ran through my head that I finally had to turn on some music.  When Jennifer gave me her flight information after the second call, we both realized that the departure and arrival times of her flight that day were identical to those after the first time the call had come.  And we both knew that she would again be racing the clock to get there in time, with none of us having any control over whether or not she would make it there soon enough.

Both times after I’d started my drive along the same route, I struggled to control the panic I felt rising up in my chest.  Both times, I felt desperate to talk to the person about whom the call had been made: the first time, my dad, and the second time, Nancy. I wanted to call one of the people already there but knew my call would be intrusive in the midst of what was happening there.  Both times I knew that there would be little to nothing I could do to make things any better, and yet both times I felt an almost indescribably pressing need to get there, a magnetic force pulling me east along the interstate.  As I drove, I thought about how odd it was that that particular day was just a regular day for the people in other vehicles I was passing along the road. 

I stopped for gas along the way both times, and, as the fuel pumped into the car, I texted others in my family to see what was going on and to report on my estimated time of arrival.  Both times I called Jennifer again once I got back on the road, and we talked about what we thought would be the quickest way for her to get from the airport to where I would be when she arrived.  Both times I heard the rising panic in her voice when she talked about having to be cut off from communication with the rest of us while she was in the air, and both times I assured her that I would take care of things until she could get there and that transportation would be arranged for her by the time her flight had landed.  Both times I told her that I believed she would make it there in time, and both times I could only hope that that prediction would hold true.

The first time when the call had come, my destination was my parents’ house, but the second time it was the hospital, one chosen by Nancy for her delivery because it was a different hospital from where we had been both times during my dad’s inpatient stays.  Both times when I arrived, I turned the car off and made myself take a few deep breaths before I hit the ground running.  Both times I was acutely aware that life for everyone in my family was about to change.

On both of those days, there was a flurry of text messages and emails being sent between family members across the country.  Both times, I knew my mom and my brother-in-law David were keeping things under control as I traveled, but I wanted to be there to see what was going on for myself.  After I had arrived and had checked things out, both times I reported in to the rest of the family, and only then did I feel like I could breathe. 

On both of those days, I considered driving to the airport to pick up Jennifer when her flight came in but was afraid to leave, and so both times I asked my aunt to get Jennifer to us as quickly as possible.  Both times I remember feeling relieved to be there but at the same time feeling restless, as if I needed to have something to do in the chaos of what was going on around me.  On both occasions, there was an air of surrealism in the knowledge of what was about to occur, and both times the room was filled with emotion.

Jennifer swept in with a sense of purpose like I’d seldom seen before in both cases.  Both times I watched her hug Nancy, David, and my mom, and then when she hugged me I felt such a sense of relief that she was there with us.  There was an intimacy in the room that is difficult to describe, one that created an odd sense of control in a situation that we knew could not be controlled.

The second time, the tears we cried were of joy and excitement and relief; the happiness in the room was like a salve.  Again, those of us in the room made phone calls and sent messages to others who weren’t there, this time with the news of a new beginning.

The Marker

Before my dad went on ahead, I’d never really considered the way that the birthday of a loved one can transform from something that fills you with anticipation and excitement to something that seems so sad.  It seems so odd to me the way that happens; certainly I still want to recognize and celebrate the birth of one of the most important people in my life, even when he isn’t still here to celebrate himself.  I think for my family, the sense of enhanced sorrow and grief that comes with this week is exacerbated by the fact that it was the same week that he was diagnosed with the brain cancer that took his life only ten short weeks later.  That, as much as his absence, makes it seem counterintuitive to celebrate.

For me, in fact, it feels like salt is being rubbed into a wound, and a lot of the emotions that are usually just hanging out beneath the surface on a typical day seem to be bubbling up and threatening to erupt with the week when everything changed for my dad, for my family, and for me.  The annual marker, which I prefer to avoid thinking of as an anniversary since I tend to think of anniversaries as happy and worthy of celebration, approaches without hesitation and haunts us without regard to our ongoing pain. The week represents such a major shift - an ending of things as they were and an awareness of what should have been.

I long for just one more hour, one more conversation, one more hug, one more anything with him.  I want to push through the pain and focus on the importance of the day of the year on which the man who means so much to me came into this world; the challenge to do so is far greater than I ever imagined it would be. There are so many things that my dad will not get to experience now, things he would so love to be a part of or to know about or to see.  His presence in my life continues to shape me on a daily basis, and I do celebrate that fact as much as the grief will allow. Sometimes though, especially when I can’t avoid the what if, the should have, or the should be kind of thinking pattern, I am overwhelmed by it all, missing him so much that I struggle to move through the ache. The only thing that seems to be of comfort to me when I think about those things is to remember the life that he led that I know he considered to be a great one, to recall the way he was filled with such joy and gratitude, and to recognize the fact that I know if he knew anything at all for certain during the days of his illness it was that he was loved.  Happy birthday, Dad; you are loved and you are missed.

The Shift

It always feels strange to have something significant going on in my life that people around me aren’t aware of.  I’m sure that’s true for most people; one common example of this is when it’s a person’s birthday and most of the people with whom he or she crosses paths that day don’t know that it is. Whether it’s something good or bad, oftentimes it seems like the information just isn’t comfortable or appropriate or relevant enough to share.  In many cases, I think it would feel awkward, somehow attention-seeking  or maybe even like bragging, to tell the people around me, and in some cases I don’t really even want them to know for various reasons – but it still feels odd, as if I am driving on a side street or an access road alongside the main highway.

That’s how it feels to me going into the week that marks three years from the time my life – and essentially my perspective and my bearings – shifted, the week that holds the series of days during which my dad was taken to the hospital by ambulance, when we found out about the mass in his head, when he had surgery, when we got the definitive diagnosis – and his 67^th birthday which we spent hunkered down in the Neuro-ICU, in shock and in terror.

There is such a maelstrom of emotions and thoughts going on in my head right now, a source of confusion that makes it difficult to know how to identify my feelings or what needs to be done to get me through the time ahead, by me or by anyone else.  Over and over, I wonder in shock how a span of three years has passed already.  I wonder how we got through those days that seem even more unbelievably difficult from my perspective now than they did at the time.  I wonder when each of the series of shifts in me occurred after that first shift – and when, if ever, the process will slow down or come to a halt.  I wonder whether it is better to try to forget about the panic and the pain of the days of my dad's illness or to let the remaining sadness and the swirl of other emotions that goes along with the anniversary of that first week play out; I wonder if sharing my feelings and my perspective is the right thing to do.  

Remembering what was happening at this exact time three years ago is oddly both grounding and disconcerting.  Thinking back about what my dad and the rest of my family were doing in the weeks and the days leading up to the beginning of the trauma, it was as if we were on an airplane right before the plane hit an air pocket causing a sudden drop.  In regards to the significance for me of the upcoming days, a lot like the people around me now, back then I had no idea that a shift was happening, that something was occurring in those days that was affecting someone close to me and that would eventually change everything.

My dad, helping his youngest granddaughter across a rocky path, just weeks before his diagnosis